One of the greatest and most shocking feelings I’ve ever experienced to date is looking down at my pregnancy test and seeing that it was positive. Right there in that moment I knew my life was never going to be the same. I instantly felt this huge responsibility to take care of this precious life that was inside of me along with a vast range of emotions…excitement, anxiety, fear, joy, love, etc. I’m sure all you mama’s out there can attest that it really is one of the most amazing and terrifying days of your life!
Drew and I had been trying for a couple months before I started to track my ovulation. Perhaps TMI but my menstrual cycle was all out of whack and I was only getting my period every 45-50 days so I was nervous I wasn’t ovulating at all and we would have trouble conceiving. I took my ovulation tests every day and finally it came back that I was ovulating conveniently at 5am on the morning before I was flying back to MA for my best friends bachelorette weekend! So, needless to say, we only were able to try once that cycle (yes, I woke Drew up at 5am…gotta do what ya gotta do!!) I was sad about the timing and assumed we would have to wait another 50 or so days before our window opened up again.
Cut to a few weeks later, one Saturday evening I told Drew I thought I was pregnant. I was supposed to get my period later that week and up until that night I had no “pregnancy” signs whatsoever. Then all of a sudden my boobs started to KILL ME which is not a regular PMS symptom I have. I tried not to get my hopes up and Drew told me I should wait to take a test until later in the week. YEAH RIGHT! First thing Sunday morning I jumped out of bed and peed on that stick as fast as I could. With eagle eyes I stared it down for the longest 2 minutes of my life. 1 clear line followed by 1 blurry line. What does that mean?! While still in the bathroom, I got on google and started reading as much as I could hoping and praying that the internet gods would tell me this meant I was pregnant. Sure enough, the results were inconclusive. I COULD be in the very early stages of pregnancy with low amounts of HCG in my system which causes the line to be blurry or it could just be I took the test incorrectly. I ran out to Drew to show him the test. He was more grounded than I was and tried to bring me back down to Earth aka not wanting me to get my hopes up and then crushed if it turned out I wasn’t pregnant. So we decided I would wait a couple days and then take another test.
Not one for being patient, I waited until the next morning to take another test. This time however, the blurry line was clear as day and I knew in my bones I was pregnant!! I ran out to the store and bought a couple more tests just to be sure and they all came back positive! I bawled my eyes out in excitement and love…I was going to be a mom!! Drew came home later that afternoon and saw the test sitting next to me at the table. “WHAT is THAT??” he exclaimed as he looked down and saw the results. Yup, sir you’re going to be a dad! We both were in such disbelief and awe. It truly is such a surreal moment knowing that you created a little life.
I’m a nervous person in general, always have been, always will be, so it was no shock to me that as soon as I became pregnant the paranoia and anxiety began to set in. What should I be eating? What shouldn’t I be eating? Can I maintain my current workout schedule? How will I know if something is wrong? If something is wrong, what should I do? How do I know if I’m doing everything in my control to provide the best home possible for the little babe? Everytime I went to the bathroom I was terrified to see blood and gave myself pep talks on how everything would be okay if this pregnancy did not come to term.
My anxiety changed after our 12 week appointment and were past the time frame where most miscarriages occur but it honestly has not gone away in the least. I’m still nervous everytime I use the bathroom that there will be blood or amniotic fluid, I get anxiety before every prenatal appointment terrified something has gone wrong, I’m nervous when I don’t feel her kick, I wake up on my back some nights and freak out that I unknowingly cut off her blood supply, I’m nervous that I’m working out too much and not resting enough, that I’m eating something wrong without knowing…you name it, I’m nervous about it.
I’m 27 weeks now and every day is a new milestone and I’m thankful every night when we achieve it. As much as I love the idea of her growing inside me and us sharing this special bond before she enters the world, I’m looking forward to her being a healthy baby outside of me! I’m not naive to the fact that once she’s born a WHOLE new set of fears and anxiety will be introduced but for right now, I’m just trying to take this pregnancy one day at a time and impatiently countdown the days until she’s here with us! <3
I’ll keep everyone updated as my pregnancy progresses and will obviously introduce you all to our little love bug when she arrives!
Have any of you other moms or soon-to-be moms experienced similar emotions? I’d love to hear!
UPDATE (4/12)I’m now 30 weeks! I had an ultrasound the other week and this little babe is in the 87% for height and weight, weighs about 3 lbs (probably more now!) and already has some hair! We went to a “Caring for Newborn”class the other night at the hospital and it was relieving to see other first time parents with the same mindset as me and gain some more knowledge on what we can expect the first few weeks and months she’s here with us! I also scheduled a couple prenatal appointments with pediatricians in the area and already have a full page list of questions to ask them, they’re going to love me!!!
Other than that, I’m still feeling pretty good! Starting to get a little more tired throughout the day and getting in and out of bed is becoming somewhat of an olympic event but I’m just bumpin’ along and feeling those kicks grow stronger and stronger every day! <3